Monkey Love
- How ya doin'?
I got a big box from the hoboken zoo there.
- Live cargo?
- Hey I just drive the truck, lady.
- Dump it round back.
I'll get to it when I get to it.
- Kowalski, tell me this is our shipment
of sweet alaskan salmon.
- Negative, Skipper.
Some sort of containment unit.
I'd say simian.
- Fish and chips, man.
Rico, chimp habitat, stat.
- What the dickens?
- You didn't see anything.
- Oh, fresh air!
- I say, who the dickens are you?
- Lulu. What?
Didn't they tell you I was coming?
- No, actually.
- I'm sorry to put you out, boys.
But I'll only be here for a few days,
just until they fix up my habitat
back at the Hoboken zoo.
Is your friend all right?
- Uh, he's a chimp of few words.
Phil, don't be rude.
Phil? Oh, dear.
Pardon us.
- Gorgeous? Why, Phil.
You dog.
Help you win her heart?
Well, I haven't the foggiest, but, perhaps...
- Wait, you came to me for advice?
No one ever comes to me for advice.
This is, like, so unexpect- Like, I don't even...
All right, okay, okay, so, so anyway, um...
A girl chimp, huh?
- Yes. Phil is positively head over tail for her.
- Okay. Top of my head here.
Candles, moonlight, acoustic guitar.
No, no. Spanish guitar.
Muy romantico.
Then, after your touching, tender serenade,
you present her with a bouquet of oysters on half shells
arranged to spell out her name...
"Marlene."
- Yes, but her name is Lulu.
- Yeah, I know. Whatever.
Anyway, do that, and you can't miss.
- No offense, but I'm not sure this is the way
to capture a chimp's heart.
- You heard the mission:
help the silent simian capture the lady chimp's heart.
Kowalski, I want an action plan on my desk by...
- Hey, hey hey!
They came here for my advice, okay?
Therefore,my mission.
- Ah, but use of the word "capture"
automatically makes this a penguin operation.
- Sorry, Marlene. Those are the rules.
- Men, I need love options.
- Skipper, our intel shows
there is one sure way to a female's heart:
you start with a 4-inch incision...
- I hear that the way to win over a girl's heart
is to sit on her egg through the long cold winter.
- All right, Private,
you and bravo team will secure Lulu's egg...
- I'm afraid Lulu is not a penguin.
- Exactly! Okay, like I was saying:
candles, moonlight...
- Marlene, please. Don't bring all your sappy emotion into this.
This is love!
What we need is an operative on the inside,
someone who can tell us what makes that chimp tick.
- No. No, no, no.
- I'm really not comfortable...
Oh, fine.
Right.
Fine.
Excuse me, Lulu.
I have...
Well, I have this friend
who is interested in courting you.
- Oh, really?
And just what does thisfriendlook like?
- Decent enough, I suppose.
Actually, a bit like me.
- Oh, you're a shy one.
The answer is yes.
Of course I'll go out with you.
- Oh, that's fantastic.
Hey, wait. What?
Sorry, old bean.
I'm afraid I've made a right mess of it.
- Not to worry, chimp.
We've got you covered.
Private, options.
- Hello? I'm the options guy.
- Well, not when it comes to affairs of the heart.
That's where young Private here shines.
- True.
I do struggle to comprehend emotions
and feelings and...
W-women.
- Yeah, duh.
You're on, Private.
- Uh, uh, let's see, um...
- Come on, Private; you know what to do.
Moonlight, guitar, oysters.
- Hmm, sorry, Marlene.
But maybe if Phil could somehow show off hismachismo.
- Machismo! Espanol.
I like it!
- Well, yes, I do rather enjoy poetry, fine cuisine,
and, well, the ballet, of course.
- Oh, Mason, what a sensitive soul you are.
- Reach for the skies, chimps!
- Wh-what? - Egad!
Penguin desperados, and they've got sticks.
That's right, mateys!
And, oh, arggh, and shiver me timbers.
- Kowalski, we're supposed to be desperados, not pirates.
- Really?
- Well, um, the point is, we want all your bananas!
And there's no one tough enough here to stop us!
- Certainly not this milksop.
- Hold on now.
Mason may not be tough.
But me, i'm from Hoboken!
There there, love.
Those nasty penguins won't bother you again,
you sweet, sensitive soul, you.
- No, I imagine not.
- I've got other options, Skipper.
- Private, I've heard enough of your options, thank you.
I'm going with your plan.
- Me?
- No, I was pointing at Kowalski.
Operation "Love from above".
Mason will lead our target to a designated location
where a heavy crate...
- E-excuse. How many times do I have to say it? Moonlight, candles...
- Where a heavy crate of bananas will fall.
- I thought I'd be homesick,
but I've barely thought about home since I met you.
- Lovely.
Now excuse me one moment.
Don't move an inch.
Actually, move an inch to your right.
No, no, your other right.
Perfect!
- That's the signal. - Go!
- Aagh. It won't cut.
Oh, what are you doing?
Get off me!
- Blast it all. What the devil is the problem?
- The problem was, I based my calculations on cotton rope
but we used nylon.
I've made the adjustments, so we're ready to go again.
- Or not.
- Gentlemen, it's time to break out the big guns.
Yes, I'm talking about love potion number...
- 37? - 37?
- I know it's risky.
But so is love.
Look what happened to Manfredi and Johnson
when they fell hard for those chinstrap sisters.
They lost their hearts, a lung,
and 15 feet of intestine.
- 37?
- What's in there?
- Flamingo sweat and garlic.
- Ooh, baby!
Preen me. Preen me, sweet stuff!
- Man, I hate to say it, lads,
but perhaps Phil and Lulu just aren't meant to be...
- Wait, wait, wait.
You still haven't followed a certain someone's advice.
- Egad, Marlene is right.
- So you have come to me for the romantical advice.
- Okay, this is not what I had in mind!
- To impress this girly monkey,
you must knock her feet off.
That is how I have gotten my many girlfriends.
- What girlfriends?
- You don't know them; they all live in Canada.
But trust me when I tell you they are made up...
Eh, with lipsticks and powders and such,
but, you know, tastefully.
- Okay, my secret is two words
I am now about to say to you.
Get ready.
Hey, wait, those weren't the two words.
And those weren't either.
Or those!
- Just tell us the two words!
- Okay.
Roller disco.
Ugh, not that guy again.
Still... He's a jolly good dancer.
- Ah, the victim approaches.
What are you doing?
- I hate to say it,
but ringtail may have actually pulled this off.
- No one can resist the allure of the roller disco.
- Oh, Phillip.
I had no idea you were such a romantic.
- It may not be a total loss.
Admittedly, things are looking a bit iffy.
- Now release the dogs.
- Ow! Get them off me!
- Don't you mean doves?
- Eh, on second thought, doves would have been better.
Good to know, good to know.
- Lulu, please. Come out.
- Absolutely not! You're all loonies.
- Nail the crate shut.
We won't let her out until she falls in love with Phil.
- No, no. Listen, listen.
We put him in the crate with her,
then nail it shut.
Then they will fall in love, or die trying.
- Give me 15 minutes. I can crack open more than enough oysters.
- Phil, don't be rash, man!
- What? What's he doing?
- He's going to...
Speak to her!
- Biscuits and gravy!
We didn't run a scenario for that.
- What now?
Lulu, I'm sorry for all I've put you through,
but I didn't know how to tell you
that I think you are fantastic, beautiful, and amazing,
and...and...
Oh, I'm not getting that last part.
and I wish we could spend the waning hours
we have left here together in each other's big hairy arms."
His words, not mine.
- Well, Phil.
Why didn't you just say all that in the first place?
- So just talking? That works?
- So the data would indicate.
Who knew.